Lost. (3/4)♡

Nothing is really ever that simple. Some things aren't that easy to get over or work through. Healing is a process that can't be rushed even when you lie to yourself. It's been 3 months now since we've interacted and our distance is killing me. At first, I thought I had a plan but I've sunk right back to the beginning where it all hurts. Maybe this is what it felt like for her. Maybe this is the moment when I feel things that weren't there before. My weeping eyes can be seen from a mile. Every night I close my eyes and she's plastered in my sight. Not by choice.

She seems happier and I'm grateful for that but I'm lost and my judgment is clouded. And I possibly want her back. Why am I so conceited? Why am I so confused? 3 months ago I wasn't happy but I was relieved that my sense of freedom was salvaged and now I'm struggling to find my purpose. I'm trying to find a world where it's just me and I'm spinning in circles. I had a plan but it all went to shit. I blame the single fact that I was hasty to fly and didn't know how to jump first. 

Here I am outside her window hoping she'll let me in but each time I knock I'm left with no answer. Where is the guy that had it all figured out or so he thought he did? That guy is long gone he's now hoping he won't do something to throw himself off the edge. This guy is lost and the truth of it got heavy and he began to crumble. I've found myself believing that she could be the answer to all my arising problems. Look at me willing to put myself in a trap I just escaped from.

I don't know who I am anymore. I'm not even sure I knew before this. I want to know the real me behind all my illuminated screens. I want to rediscover myself because this isn't me! I'm drowning in all these expectations and the salt coarse stings of reality. I've moved on I'm just jealous that she's happier than me. How selfish can I be? When she was at her lowest I was okay now she's okay I've fallen. How crazy can that be? Maybe she's better without me.

A week ago I finally accepted that I was on my own and that I needed myself more than anything. So I held on tight hoping I wouldn't lose myself too. People with stares passed me, questioning faces glared and onlookers wondered. They saw something that wasn't there before, Me. Strangers' eyes could seep through me and uncover who I was. It was the first that I realized that "Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves." - Henry David Thoreau 

Here I was torn by the truth that I needed saving but not by someone but by me. I needed to figure out who I was without her. My walls needed to break and so they fell. I couldn't come to terms with what I saw and naturally, I thought she was the key when I truly was. I needed to sort through the rubble and discard all the unnecessary pain I collected and rebuild. I had to rebuild myself and only I could do it, alone. It scared me how much I needed this relief. All I had to do was let go. Things are given to us the hard way because then we'll finally realize the problem and fix it. If we didn't recognize the crack in the wall we wouldn't know it was broken.

This hurts like hell but it will get better I just need to wait on time to catch up. And it will. Soon enough. 


Written by Aja' Allen

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