I’m stuck! (1/4)♡

They say when you find someone who's special you shouldn't let them go instead you hold them close and make them yours forever. In the beginning, all I wanted was her and now what I want more than anything is to escape. No one really gives a crash course on teenage love and how to walk away unscathed. When I look into her eyes all I see is pure emphatic love for me. When I look within myself I no longer recognize the person I used to be. My love for her has long passed but I'm holding it all together for her while it's tearing me apart. I wish it was easy to walk away but it isn't. We aren't working but she refuses to accept it. I just hope us trying doesn't blow up in my face. 

She deserves the world and I use to want to be the one who was going to give it to her. But my heart stopped. Built-up tension caused me to want to let go. How do I tell someone that I don't intend to hurt that I give up? I feel like that would destroy her. She envisions the future with me but I'm still stuck in the present. I have big plans but none of them include her, I feel trapped with her and just wish to escape.  Every day she reminds me of her love and I feel hopeless because she expects me to feel it back too. We are far gone beyond saving yet here we are sinking ourselves in a broken boat.

I know she cries late at night because my words of hate penetrate her heart. I wish I could love her as before, be excited as before but I'm not anymore. Everyone around me has big smiles while mines are forced. It's hard keeping up with her world and another thing to be in it. What if she's just another promise I couldn't keep? Another heartbreak I'll definitely feel! I didn't intend for this to happen I don't blame her for us being in this situation. I just simply want to escape. NOW!!!

Me letting go of her would mean that I've finally accepted that we won't work and then we would have truly ended. Which is what I'm dying for.

I don't know what hurts more feeling stuck and having nowhere to go or being stuck with somewhere else to be. I guess I'm siding with the world that men are trash and proving it to be true. 

Someday we'll look back and realize that love isn't enough and that it being one-sided does so much damage that even after heartbreak it's still a confusing concept that can't be grasped. We all want it yet when it's in front of us we freeze or tense up. 

I wish I could be the guy she needed but I truly can't keep up with the fights. I truly can't keep up with all her demands no matter how subtle they are. There was a time when I could just wander about but now I'm awaiting permission. 

Is this what rushing into love feels like?

Written by: Aja' Allen





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