Found. (4/4)♡

It's funny how I'm starting to realize that everything does happen for a reason. Our pain meant something. It did something to us, something life-changing. I lost her, which was supposed to be the most painful thing came full circle as I found myself. I owe that to her. This isn't just another love story it's real life depicted through heartbreak and a love that faded away. Our love broke us for the best not for the worst as we thought at the moment. Knowing what I know now I would tell myself don't change a thing. If I've learned anything in the past years it's that time can heal all wounds if you let it.

I'll never forget the girl that took a chance on me. The same girl that chose me after I gave her a million reasons not to. I'll never forget her smile, her laughter, her warm embrace, and our need for each other. Plenty of time has gone by and still, she holds my memory. Not all of it just a part. We were young and thought we knew it all but only knew a fraction of the whole. I've grown and she certainly has too. I haven't seen her since our departure but every day I pass a little coffee shop and see a woman writing away and sometimes I think it's her. It gives me comfort knowing she's somewhere but I don't know where.

If I could find her I would tell her thank you for seeing things in me that I didn't see. I would say thank you for allowing her lips to grace mine. I would say thank you for hearing me. I would say thank you for not giving up when I thought there was no other choice. I would say thank you for loving me. I don't think I'll find someone else like her but this time around I've healed and I've learned but most of all because of her I can give my wife the love she deserves. This time I can handle love and all that comes with it. This time I won't surrender when times get hard. This time I'll choose to stay forever.

My first love helped me to be better, see better, know better and do better. I had a part to play in my growth but she deserves all the praise. Looking back I did love her, I was confused though but I loved her. I simply thought there was no other way we could come out better together without coming to an end. I loved her. I still love her. When you're no longer living in a chapter you see a lot that didn't register in the present. Going into our past definitely sheds light on our present. If I realized that I did love her all along I wouldn't have grown. I wouldn't have been better. I wouldn't have met my wife. So our bridge had to break for us to recover.

Our very own bridges needed to crumble so that our individual selves could repair. We had all these broken splinters and refused to extract them. We were truly the source of most of our pain. Now when I smile it's for real. It isn't forced like it use to be. Genuine laughter stains my face and I'm once again grateful for the torture I sustained. After all that I found that there was indeed a me without her and I was relieved. Growth is a process that can't be rushed or faked. It's something you have to ease into and accept when the time comes. I am at my happiest because of her. I am my happiest because I can give my wife a life I never thought existed. I am my happiness because I let her go and she allowed me to.

My wife reminds me of the woman she would have been after being found. They are somehow two different people who are one. I have kids now, they carry her smile. They remind me of the bliss and pure enjoyment I once craved and now have because of heartbreak. I sometimes feel like I'm dreaming and question how I got so lucky. How did I really survive? 

Is this what choosing love feels like?

Written by Aja' Allen