She just wants to be wanted.
She knows she's surrounded by darkness, she knows she's alone, she knows she's unwanted, she knows she's unloved, she knows she'll never be good enough, she knows, she knows, she knows. Have you ever seen her smile or heard her laughter, if yes then you know how difficult it was for her to allow you to hear and see it. She doesn't laugh for everyone. She doesn't smile for everyone. Even though she has a "crew" she's still alone. They don't know her any more than she does. She doesn't know who she is and they will never know. They just think they do but they don't. She lives in the darkness, only on a few rare occasions, she allows the light in. She doesn't have much to say but has a lot to say.
She wants to speak and be heard. She wants to be accepted in a world where glamour is top-tier. She doesn't want to look like anyone else. She doesn't want to be like anyone else, she just has no one to be like but herself. She's sad all the time. At night she has long conversations with God asking him to show her the way out or just to help. She isn't your typical societal girl. You know what I'm talking about. The brown-looking girls, the girls with nice hips and curves, the girls with long curly hair, the super outgoing girls with a lot of friends. She isn't that! She's not even close to that. She's black, short, with little to no friends that never call only when they need something from her. She doesn't have curves, she isn't a social butterfly. Maybe she wished that she had some curls, some super light brown eyes, maybe she wants the world. Maybe she wants to be her and be loved just like how Brown, white, curvy, social-able girls are liked.
Maybe she wants to be seen and not overlooked. "Hey, are you hearing me!" "Hey, I was talking!" "Sorry, what did you say?" Turns out no one was listening. Yes, time to snap out of the world I wish I was in. The world that undermines me! I can never get a word in. Why can't I ever get a word in? Hmm....don't take this as a pity party fest. Don't pity her, she doesn't want your pity. She doesn't want your glares. She just wants someone who will stay by her, do right by her, listen to her, and never leave her ALONE. She doesn't like being alone. She doesn't want you to only call her when you need company or comfort. "WHAT ABOUT ME!" "What about her!"
Doesn't she need company and comfort? Don't I deserve to have friends who want to stick by me and not throw me to the side when a new and more exciting friend comes along? Yeah, she wouldn't stand a chance against that new and exciting friend. Even if she was there for you through your toughest times and still choose to stay. Throw me away as if I was staled goods. That's probably what I deserve, then again, I don't think so! Every time I choose to back out but because of who I am it yanks me right back in. It seems I like to have friends who know me only when it convinced them. Friendships are transactions you take and give. These days she only gives and doesn't get any gets. She lost her best friend recently the one who was to stay by her. The one who made promises that they couldn't keep. "I wish I was the one that got away".
Here she is again alone with no one to call on. Everyone's busy doing something while life is just passing her by. She makes time for the wanters but the wanters never make time for her. Call her stupid for not dropping those people but just know when you are as lonely as her it makes you desperate so you take what you get. She takes what she gets. No matter how much it hurts her. She believes in her twisted head that one day there will be someone that appreciates her someone who wants to stay and not because they have to.
I want someone to stay. I wish my best friend stayed. I wish she would explain where I went wrong. Have you ever depended on someone so much that to smile you needed them? I needed her but she chose to walk away. She has a new best friend now. I'm happy for her. All I want is for her to be happy. What about my happiness though? What about her happiness is it to be disregarded? I deleted her from my contacts. I still remember the number though. I'm trying to remember it just in case she ever messages me back. Don't get confused, this girl is delusional. How can she still wish happiness for someone who left her with all her problems to fight alone? I am not delusional! Maybe just a bit crazy. Crazy about.......let me stick a pin that before I regret it. She's surrounded by darkness only occasionally does the light come in. The world around her is moving by fast or slowly she can't ever tell or maybe she's just too lazy to think of an answer.
this is great; relatable 🥲
ReplyDelete